Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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