??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
