ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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