Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
