so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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