Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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