a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
