The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
