i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
