ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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