Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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