You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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