i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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