Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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