All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
