Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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