Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
