Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
