i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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