I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
