Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
