I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
