I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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