4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
