If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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