The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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