My room smells like vodka and shame
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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