I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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