all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize