wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
