I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
