why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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