You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
