why didn't you poke me back
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
