He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
BRING THE BAGELS
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
