he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
