found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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