Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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