I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize