for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize