girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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