You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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