So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Less talking, more tequila
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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