i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
