you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
