Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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