The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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