I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
