so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
