i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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