He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i believe in u and ur pee
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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