i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
