i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
