I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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