??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
