New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
