i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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