I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
