ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
