grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
