Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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