I faked an abortion last night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
They are going to name an STD after you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
