Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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