sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
