I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So many bounce houses so little time
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
