i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
