That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize