I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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