He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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