we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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