Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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